Today I learned …

[Heston]

… one of my favourite series of childhood books, Enid Blyton's The Faraway Tree, has been mutilated for reasons that could only be described as inane. From Wikipedia:

In modern reprints, the names of the children have been changed:
• Jo is changed to Joe, because the character is a boy and this is the more commonly used spelling of the name for males;
• Bessie is changed to Beth, because the former name is now less commonly used as a nickname for Elizabeth;
• Fanny is changed to Frannie, because the former name is slang for vulva in the United Kingdom, Australia and New Zealand (see Wiktionary entry) and "bottom" in the USA.
• Cousin Dick, who appears in "The Magic Faraway Tree", has been changed to "Rick" as "Dick" is American, Australian and British slang for penis.
In modern reprints, the character of Dame Slap has been re-named to Dame Snap and she no longer practises corporal punishment but instead reprimands her students by yelling at them very loudly.

How on earth did I survive to adulthood, being exposed to books with kids named Fanny and Dick, and with obviously sinister adults who beat on children?

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

[Dr. Medulla]

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

[Heston]

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

Take that back, you bounder!

[Dr. Medulla]

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

Take that back, you bounder!

I say, Smedley, have you seen the news about the Queen Mum?

[Heston]

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

Take that back, you bounder!

I say, Smedley, have you seen the news about the Queen Mum?

Why of course I have my dear Smocklington, the old dear is pushing the daisies up in Clemensbury Park.

[Dr. Medulla]

I loved those books as a kid, but always felt a bit of a sissy for it.

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

Take that back, you bounder!

I say, Smedley, have you seen the news about the Queen Mum?

Why of course I have my dear Smocklington, the old dear is pushing the daisies up in Clemensbury Park.

Sissy.

[Heston]

You're English—there are gradients of sissy?

Take that back, you bounder!

I say, Smedley, have you seen the news about the Queen Mum?

Why of course I have my dear Smocklington, the old dear is pushing the daisies up in Clemensbury Park.

Sissy.

Cad.

[Dr. Medulla]

Take that back, you bounder!

I say, Smedley, have you seen the news about the Queen Mum?

Why of course I have my dear Smocklington, the old dear is pushing the daisies up in Clemensbury Park.

Sissy.

Cad.

Sissy and Cad went on to record fourteen top ten singles, including five number one hits. They broke up when Sissy got tired of having Cad kick the shit out of him for being English.

[tepista]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

[Heston]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

[Dr. Medulla]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

I would vote Tory my entire life if they put Relic from the Beachcombers on our currency.

[Heston]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

I would vote Tory my entire life if they put Relic from the Beachcombers on our currency.

Beachcombers, Kiss and The Magic Faraway Tree.

For a huge fucking ocean separating us, our childhoods really seem quite similar.

[Dr. Medulla]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

I would vote Tory my entire life if they put Relic from the Beachcombers on our currency.

Beachcombers, Kiss and The Magic Faraway Tree.

For a huge fucking ocean separating us, our childhoods really seem quite similar.

If you were a Spider-Man (and comics in general) fan, too, then we were separated siblings.

[Heston]

His queen is still on your money, doc.

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

I would vote Tory my entire life if they put Relic from the Beachcombers on our currency.

Beachcombers, Kiss and The Magic Faraway Tree.

For a huge fucking ocean separating us, our childhoods really seem quite similar.

If you were a Spider-Man (and comics in general) fan, too, then we were separated siblings.

I loved my comics, but the absurd British stuff like "Whizzer and Chips" and "The Beano."

[Dr. Medulla]

Fuck, yeah!

And you wouldn't find Bruno Gerussi from "Beachcombers" on one of our bank notes.

I would vote Tory my entire life if they put Relic from the Beachcombers on our currency.

Beachcombers, Kiss and The Magic Faraway Tree.

For a huge fucking ocean separating us, our childhoods really seem quite similar.

If you were a Spider-Man (and comics in general) fan, too, then we were separated siblings.

I loved my comics, but the absurd British stuff like "Whizzer and Chips" and "The Beano."

Close enough—I was a serious fan of Mad.

So, brother, what the fuck happened to you in the 80s?