The Mighty America's Finest News Source Thread

[Dr. Medulla]

Top 5 Onion headline: Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord
http://www.theonion.com/articles/gaywad ... ccord,668/

[Dr. Medulla]

The AV Club draws inspiration from the mother site:

As the Associated Press reports, PBS has announced the fall premiere of the next Ken Burns miniseries that will pile up on Americans’ DVRs because even though they want to see it—everybody says it’s excellent—they just don’t feel like it tonight. The Roosevelts: An Intimate History is a seven-part miniseries by one of the country’s greatest documentary filmmakers, and it spans 14 hours, meaning that the show will reduce the recording capacity of a TiVo Roamio by about 19 percent. According to PBS’ promotional materials, The Roosevelts—which examines “the creation of National Parks, the digging of the Panama Canal, the passage of innovative New Deal programs, the defeat of Hitler, and the postwar struggles for civil rights at home and human rights abroad”—will mark the first time that a major documentary series will cover all three of the best-known Roosevelts (Teddy, Franklin, and Eleanor). It will also mark the hundredth time that viewers, with no small measure of guilt, instead re-watch that episode of Friends where Ross dresses up as the Holiday Armadillo.

http://www.avclub.com/article/dvrs-prep ... ns--204495

[Dr. Medulla]

[Rat Patrol]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation ... yst,36318/

This is pretty immaculate subversion.

[Dr. Medulla]

Whitewater Rafting Trip In Which Friend Drowned Still Pretty Fun

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—With the sole exception of the death of a close friend, a recent whitewater rafting excursion was deemed a rousing success by the group’s five surviving members, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Except for Daryl falling out and drowning, this trip was a total blast,” said Justin Purley at the conclusion of an exhilarating day of paddling through canyons, navigating Class IV rapids, recovering their friend’s body from the river, and taking photographs of the scenic landscape. “That moment when he bounced out of the raft and smashed his head on the rocks was just about the only time the smile left my face the whole trip. Plus, we saw that eagle!” Purley added that the group would always remember Daryl, as well as the cool old arrowhead they found on the riverbank.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/whitew ... -st,36468/

[Rat Patrol]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/unpopu ... ing,36790/

[tepista]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/local- ... :1:Default

[Dr. Medulla]

Ted Cruz’s Wife Shudders After Noticing Twin Beds Pushed Together

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ted-cr ... s-p,37408/

[JennyB]

CLASHY

http://www.theonion.com/articles/marxis ... does,1382/

[Dr. Medulla]

CLASHY

http://www.theonion.com/articles/marxis ... does,1382/

B and I have a friend in the history department here who lived in a communist house in her 20s, back in the early 80s. She was told to leave, however, when, tired of the mess, she suggested they hire a cleaning service. So I'll be forwarding this to her.

[Rat Patrol]

CLASHY

http://www.theonion.com/articles/marxis ... does,1382/

AMHERST, MA—

Oh, Valley full of Pioneer, don't ever change!

[tepista]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/archae ... NA:InFocus

[Dr. Medulla]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/archae ... NA:InFocus

I laughed hard. B did not find it quite so funny. I'm ruling that she's wrong.

[Wolter]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/archae ... NA:InFocus

I laughed hard. B did not find it quite so funny. I'm ruling that she's wrong.

Oh man. The appellate court rules in your favor.

[tepista]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stress ... r-o,37580/