For those who have seen Dark Knight

Sweet action for kids 'n' cretins. Marjoram and capers.
Post Reply
matedog
User avatar
Purveyor of Hoyistic Thought
Posts: 25804
Joined: 15 Jun 2008, 4:07pm
Location: 1995

For those who have seen Dark Knight

Post by matedog »

I gave this its own thread since it does contain plot elements.

A friend of mine wrote up a parody of sorts and I found it highly amusing, so I'm cutting and pasting it -

The Dark Knight: MAULED BY A DOG



(a film by Christopher Nolan)


Christian Bale: Uh…I don't know if I like that title. Do I really get mauled by a dog in the movie?

Christopher Nolan: Heavens no, Christian. You wouldn't get mauled by a dog in this movie.

Jonathan Nolan (to Christopher): Hey bro. Don't you want to tell him that the entire movie is basically him being mauled by several dogs?

Christopher Nolan: Shut up, you.

--------------------------

STARRING:

Gary Oldman as "The One Normal Guy He's Ever Played"

Michael Caine as "The Guy He Always Plays"

Aaron Eckhart as "Aaron Eckhart's Chin"

Heath Ledger as "2008 Oscar Nominee"

Cillian Murphey as "Bit Part"

Maggie Gyllenhaal as "Katie Holmes"

Morgan Freeman as "The One Colored Guy on the Cast List"



and Christian Bale as "Himself"

--------------------------------------

Previously on Law and Order…

Carmine Falcone, head of the all powerful Falcone Crime family, was locked away in Arkham Asylum—thus splintering power between ruling mob bosses who represent all various ethnic food selections you would find on an Applebee's Menu. Salvatore Maroni, Falcone's former chief rival, has assumed a dangerous truce with Russian Mobster, The Chechen, and…oh fuck it, you just want to see Batman beat the shit out of some bitches, right?

Audience (wakes up): Huh? What? Hell yeah we do!!

Whatever.

*Batman beats the shit out of some bitches.*

Audience: That's what I'm talking about! But I thought there was a dog in this movie?

*…and gets mauled by a dog.*

Batman: Ahhhh!! (shaking fists as being dragged by dog) Damn you, Nolans!!!
-------------------------------

Meanwhile, in Grand Theft Auto IV…


Russian Mob Dude: EHHH, NIKO!! Wanna go to BOWLING alley, MY COUSIN?

Niko Bellic: Not now, Roman. You're embarrassing me in front of the Gotham people, o-kay?

Italian Stereotype (flipping through an Italian Mobster Phrase Book): We demand RES-PECT. Capiche?

Black Guy: Stares Menacingly.


Enter the Joker


Audience: Holy crap. Finally.

Joker: Hoo hee ha ha. I'm the Joker. I'm also the best thing about this movie. So I'm going to leave for most of it while you listen to boring crap about Dent. Joke's on you! Hahaha!

Joker leaves.

Audience: Dammit!
-------------------------------

Cut to boring crap about Dent.


Harvey Dent: Blah, blah, hero this, hero that, Gotham, blah blah.

Lt. Gordan (checks watch): You done yet, Dent?

Dent: Hey, I have a lot of setup to my character arc, dammit. Anyway, so we're going after the mob with radioactive bills?

Lt. Gordan: Yes, we plan to irradiate them and cause them to grow bitter and impotent. 40 years from now, the entire mob families will be no more.

Dent: Or…we can also trace the bills.

Lt. Gordan: That works too.

Dent: Excellent. To celebrate, I feel like making another speech about heroism.

Lt. Gordan: Goddammit.

Cue swelling music.

Dent: Blah blah, Gotham's true hero blah people are all good in the dawn's rays of night's light blah blah STAY THE COURSE! YES, WE CAN! VOTE OBAMA 2008!!

Lt. Gordon: Sigh, why don't I get to have scenes with hot chicks like Bale does?
-------------------------------

Cut to Christian Bale getting mauled by another dog.


Batman: Arrrrrraggg!!

-------------------------------
Cut to Fake Batcave. It looks like the inside of an Apple Store.


Morgan Freeman: You know, Mr. Wayne. This place looks like the inside of an Apple Store..

Batman: Hey don't look at me: Nolan spent the entire budget on flying everyone to Hong Kong for one scene. Now be useful and extract this fingerprint from a shattered bullet.

Morgan Freeman: Yessir, massa' Wayne.

Batman: Real cute.

Morgan Freeman: Of course. I AM getting a huge paycheck for what amounts to 6 minutes of combined screen time after all.

Batman (under his breath): And you don't get mauled by dogs. Jerk.

Morgan Freeman: What was that?

Batman: Nothing. How are we going to get this fingerprint anyway?

Morgan Freeman: Easy. Match the caliber by shooting five bricks, scan said caliber into our system, use micro-X-Ray Fluorescence and digital imaging to reconstruct the bullet from the shards, and then take the fingerprint off it.

Batman: That shit actually works? Where'd you learn how to do that?

Morgan Freeman: Eh, saw it on an episode of CSI. Might work or might not. Oh, and here's a neat little gadget-- I call it Sonar Phone. Or "Plot Device" for short. It uses cell phone sounds waves to improbably sonar map a room. I downloaded it from the iPhone App store.

Batman: Oh neat. Although I think both "Sonar Phone" and "Plot Device" have the same number of letters…

Audience: I dunno about this sonar phone thing. I just hope they don't make it a big deal later that hooks itself into Batman's suit via crazy googly eyes, while Morgan Freeman uses a 500 screen computer system to scan a digitally recreated Gotham for the Joker's specific voice sample and facial structure.

Christopher Nolan: Hey…not a bad idea. I was just going to use it to try and sonar-map Maggie Gyllenhaal in the shower.

Audience: WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
-------------------------------

Meanwhile, the Joker hatches a plan to kill the mayor. His plan is to knock out police officers, steal their clothes, and march right to him because no one will notice. It should also be mentioned now that Gotham P.D. is horrible inept.


Gotham P.D.: HEY! We're NOT inept!

Joker shoots at mayor. Seemingly no one noticed the horribly scarred police officer who looks exactly like the Joker standing in broad daylight.

Gotham P.D.: Ok…maybe a little inept.

An expensive car chase and unsurprising plot twist later…

Gotham P.D.: We have the Joker in the holding cell, Lieutenant! No matches with DNA, dental, fingerprints, or hair stylist though.

Lt. Gordon: All that fancy smanshy police work and you didn't think to take off his make-up when you booked him?

Gotham P.D.: Uh…well…no.

Lt. Gordon: Jesus, my team is inept.

Gotham P.D.: Well, in the comics his makeup doesn't come off and well…

Lt: Gordon: Shut up. Your screen time is over now. Let's hope Batman is having better luck.
-------------------------------

Cut to…

…Batman getting mauled by another dog.


Batman: DAMN YOU, NOLANS!! I'm SOO not coming back for the sequels!!
Look, you have to establish context for these things. And I maintain that unless you appreciate the Fall of Constantinople, the Great Fire of London, and Mickey Mantle's fatalist alcoholism, live Freddy makes no sense. If you want to half-ass it, fine, go call Simon Schama to do the appendix.

KokaKola
User avatar
Junco Partner
Posts: 377
Joined: 16 Jun 2008, 11:12pm

Re: For those who have seen Dark Knight

Post by KokaKola »

LOL.... That's awesome.

Love the "Sonar Phone," aka "Plot Device."
...advertising and kokaine.

Post Reply