If Music Could Talk

Working Chronologically.


On Change:
Wait a minute, you kept you name as Dr Medusa? I don't like that one bit.

On Side 2 of CTC:
What is a side? You mean like creamed corn or macaroni salad?

On Songwriting:
Just to help prevent writers block, I come up with a few phrases that rhyme with "Hitler's balls"

Lou Rawls
Booty Calls
Niagra Falls
Barbie Dolls
Biggie Smalls

On the Difference Between Bush and Hitler:
Bush doesn't have kittens that look like him. And I believe he has at least 2 balls.

On the Eagles:
Any band who calls themselves "rock" is not allowed to have a song called "Peaceful Easy Feeling"

On Nerds:
I see the 16 sided shoe-dice is on the other elf-foot

On Education
If it's had one one advantage in my life, learning the gambling ins & outs at an early age has left me with fairly decent math skills.

On Education, Continued:
Weights and measures yes. "Number 17? That's me. I'll have a lid of hard salami and two eight-balls of smoked turkey."

On Wedding Songs, Awesome:
ours was "I Want You Around" by the Ramones, which is also inscribed on my wedding ring.

On Meeting Celebrities:
I wanna pop pills with the showgirls chick, in fact, I'll put that on the wish list.

On Moving:
I had to install doorknobs the other day, and this weekend I gotta paint. And it would appear that there's a lot of screaming kids in the neighborhood. Oh well, at least there'll be an ice cream truck

On Moving, Continued:
So any tips, advice, house things, etc. please let me know. Question one, how do I make sure that no neighbors ever speak to me or look me in the eye ever?

On Moving, Continued More:
It's a Mexican neighborhood, so I can root loudly for whatever black guy is fighting Oscar DeLaHoya that month.

Wolter wrote: On Change:
Wait a minute, you kept you name as Dr Medusa? I don't like that one bit.

I'm still mad about that one.

On A Banned German Commercial:
I wish my jizz was carbonated.

On Prince Fielder's Inside-the-Park Homerun:
Was there a Snickers on each base?

On the New England Patriots:
Most notable things about the Pats before the turn of the century: When Zeke Mowatt waived his dick in the lady's face, and the owner sold women's razors.

On Linda Ronstadt:
Without makeup, she just looks like that neighbor lady who like to strangle ugly cats.

On His Kind of Graffiti:
No rhyme or reason, just cheese tits

On the House He Grew Up In:
We lived in our family house from 1970 (when I was one) til the early 90s. I remember my dad telling me about our next door neighbor. "The day we moved in, he knocked on our door and said 'if you ever need anything, just ask.' That was the last time I ever spoke to him."

On the Hard and Rocky Road the Beatles Traveled:
The road was long and winding, not hard and rocky. Rocky was the racoon.

On Statistics in Baseball:
Explain "run distribution" in one paragraph please. I can't promise that i won't call you a nerd after I read it, but at least I'm being open minded.

On the Resemblance of Part of a Wall to Block Shaped Breasts:
Squareolas!

On Why Jonathan Papelbon Should Be Called Cinn-a-Bon instead of Pap Smear:
[Pastry is] not as cool as looking inside a vagina.

On Movies:
I saw the Devil's Rain a few nights ago. I can't say it was good, but I can say the Ernest Borgnine turned into a goat.

On...Well, a Lot of Things:
I'm trying to make a joke that incorporates yeast infections, but I'm just gonna stop. Maybe forever. Plus I don't know a thing about women. What they're talking about, how to please them, etc.

On the Cultural Divide:
I want a t-bone steak for breakfast. Why do I have to be a yank?

On the Statistical Evaluation of Dr. Medulla:
Remember once when you said something cool, and I said I'd refrain from calling you a nerd for one day, and you said you had enough cool points to last more than one day? Well, those "cool points" were early in the season!

On Tautology:
So, somebody who doesn't shove things up their ass wouldn't automatically think to shove something up their ass. Makes sense.

On the Projected Winners in the 2009 Election:


and the winner is....Pepsi

Wolter wrote: On the House He Grew Up In:
We lived in our family house from 1970 (when I was one) til the early 90s. I remember my dad telling me about our next door neighbor. "The day we moved in, he knocked on our door and said 'if you ever need anything, just ask.' That was the last time I ever spoke to him."

That guy was a hunchback, by the way.

On Weather:
Rain delay? it's ninety-six thousand ass-fucking degrees in Los Angeles, it's fucking raining in DC? What is DC on another fucking planet?

On Rob Halford:
My friends and I thought Rob dressed like a gay guy, but seriously, how could he be gay? He's in Priest!

On the new Motley Crue album:
Saints of Los Angeles, huh? From the artwork it should be called Get Your Foot Outta My Snatch

On Religion:
If God can't come 1,000 feet from a church then I don't know what to say.

On Cheap Trick:
Dream Police would kick Karma Police's ass.

On Dating Junkies:
I'm not a junkie, but I'll let you give me all your money, and steal the rest. You'll feel the same in the end.

On Multicultural Exchange in Crime:
Oh, and the United Gang of Benetton.

On Germany:
Free candy at school AND flute playing mobile scrap metal dealers? I know where my next vacation is.

On Communism:
If I had a unicorn, I would name him Sparkles.

On Craigslist:
Then after they JO, then they stomp on it? Wow. I swear I just thought he wanted to play trains with another shirtless guy.

On a Comment I Made to Dr. Medulla:
Ha ha ha. He's basically calling you a nerd. Of which I approve.

On Good Gifts:
I'm sure there's dozens of things, but nothing beats blow job. Nothing.

On Other Gifts:
A relief: That your mom gave you a clothing steamer, and not a cleveland steamer.

On Value:
you can't put a price on transvestitism.

On the Need for Chemical Stripper:
I know some chemical dependent strippers

On New Baseball Stats:
New stats aren't in the bible. I'm going to picket new stats funeral.

On Dr. Medulla and Myself:
They smack their gum and pretend baseball is math.

On Clove Cigarettes:
When someone smokes one in front of the bar, I will point them out so they are subject to public humiliation.

On Canada:
Yesterday was Canada Day and nobody said nothing. I had to find out from a sports telecast.

On Pluto and Goofy Both Being Dogs:
Perfect example of classism in Hollywood. Everybody knows that Walt Disney was an advocate of slavery.

On the 4th of July:
Now that you're not "party affiliated" any more, you can just appreciate that it's a celebration of alcohol and explosives.

I had to stop reading this. My superior was at the other end of the table and I just looked like an idiot.

May the sweet, sweet bliss of this thread never get blown away again.

On Outwitting Pro Wrestler Bill Goldberg:
"I said 'You suck Goldberg' and he said 'So does your mother' then I said 'Fuck You' and he said 'I just fucked your mother' then I said 'My mother is dead you fucking necrophiliac.'"

matedog wrote:I had to stop reading this. My superior was at the other end of the table and I just looked like an idiot.

so, 'everyone on this board' was on the other end of the table? wow... that's some room!

rcs wrote:

matedog wrote:I had to stop reading this. My superior was at the other end of the table and I just looked like an idiot.

so, 'everyone on this board' was on the other end of the table? wow... that's some room!

How's your drummer-dating daughter doing these days?

On Phone Calls:
I argue with voice recognition automated phone systems all the time.

On Tough Decisions:
That like choosing between a werewolf and the Sonics......

On Canada, continued:
I don't know what Canada looks like without USA sitting under it

On Model Train Enthusiasts:
He starts out with "no gay stuff" but moves into "possible hand job exchange" What do you have to do to be gay? Rim job?

On Dr. Medulla's Probability of Disagreeing With Me Just to Be Canadian:
there's a 22.75999% chance he'll agree with you, provided it's an afternoon post by a lefthanded poster following three consecutive unquoted posts with a Hootie/Fugazi ratio of 3/1 or greater. Otherwise, I suggest you sacrifice.

On Awful Records:
Sheesh, how many pipers are there in Doodletown?

On the German Language:
Nein Schalenfruchte squared? Where the hell are Germans supposed to their recommended daily allowance of Schalenfruchte squared?

On Literacy:
Nobody read books except Hookworm.

On John Lydon's Complaining About Kele Okereke's "Black Attitude":
One big problem I have with black people's attitudes is that they are always wondering if PiL is going to re-unite.

On Some Gun-Nut Quasi-Porn That Steve Put Up:
This chick oughtta buy less guns and more make-up

On What Movies Can Teach Us:
Another thing I learned from movies, is that if a helicopter is chasing you, it is very likely that it will explode, and you will escape unharmed.

On Scarlett Johansson:
She can't act for shit, and I have no interest in hearing her sing. If she does naked pictures, let me know.

On Bopst:
He put a bulletin up today actually, but it was non-penis related. That article was about as funny as a guy dying can get.

On Secret Societies:
I have know idea what you guys are talking about. Build a Burger? Sure, sounds good. Alive? The movie where the soccer players eat eachother? I won't be serving human unless Deej wants to come over.

On the Vapors Claiming "Turning Japanese" is Not About Masturbation:
Do they also claim they weren't a one hit wonder?

Wolter wrote: I have know idea

did i really spell 'no' wrong? sigh.

Wolter wrote:On John Lydon's Complaining About Kele Okereke's "Black Attitude":
One big problem I have with black people's attitudes is that they are always wondering if PiL is going to re-unite.

I know it's tough to pick just one, but this has to be my single favorite entry of TQT, and probably the single greatest sentence ever written on this board.

Also, I guess I never realized how strong an ally you were in the crusade against Canadian Hookwormness, tep. I salute you, sir.

Flex wrote: Also, I guess I never realized how strong an ally you were in the crusade against Canadian Hookwormness, tep. I salute you, sir.

I know, he's my favorite to pick on. My personal Hoy. But I pick because I love.